Harmony: agreement, accord, and harmonious relations.
Is it just me or does anyone else have a desire for harmony in your life? Let me rephrase that because I am sure that pretty much everyone would love to feel harmony all around them. I struggle to rest unless harmony is felt in every area of my life.
It's like my home needs to have harmony. All my friendships and relationships need to be experiencing harmony. My church experiences, Brylee's school experiences, Brandon's office environment....I could go on and on. But something inside of me needs everything at peace, and in harmony, for me to rest.
This is such a great plan that I have, and desire, until things go wrong and there is discord in any of these areas. That is when I struggle the most. It never really bothered me, or got the best of me (and my sleep), until I became a mom. When I allow discord to effect me in such a powerful way, then I struggle with guilt because I find myself not being able to do my best in the areas that matter most. This has been a slap in the face over the last few weeks.
Being a mom is what I do and it is what my heart wants to do. Being a mom is what is teaching me some things that I have never been able to learn. Maybe because I am stubborn, or I care way too much about what others think, I don't know. But somehow being a mom is the one thing that is finally getting my attention and it is helping me see that not everything and everyone matters on the scale that I put them on. Somehow my brain thinks that I can't be ok if I don't have harmony 100% of them time but that is not true. My girls are teaching me that I need to be ok for them, regardless of any other situation or relational discord around me. I have to get up and choose to be strong for them, and not drop the ball with them because someone isn't happy with me or anything else for that matter.
The other night I was restless, full on insomnia, over something that I cannot control. I wanted a situation to be made right that may never be made right because I can't control it. So I got up and I watched the girls sleep. I prayed for them and I stared at them. And in that moment it all hit me....
THEY MATTER THE MOST. At the end of the day, when my head hits the pillow, they are what matter. Was I a good mother and a good wife? Did I teach them and did I choose to be a good/healthy role model for them that day? Those are the things I should think about because those are the things that really matter.
And as I stared at them, in awe of the gifts that God has given me, I felt peace and I could rest. It is amazing what a precious and innocent face can teach a mother at 2 in the morning....
So that is where I am at. Learning to find peace even if all things are not in harmony around me. Because many of the things effecting me are just "things." They are not my husband and they are not my children. I don't know why this is such a struggle for me but I am taking baby steps to do better....
I am so blessed to get to be their mom....I wouldn't change my life for anything.
On another note, I had to post pictures of this quilt. I saved all of Brylee's personalized/special things from the first 2 years of her life. Onesies, hospital hats, bibs, and anything that had special meaning those first two years. And I had this made by a very talented young lady....
I have seen a lot of t-shirt quilts before but this one is amazing. It makes me smile to look at it because it brings back so many special moments in Brylee's life. I will treasure it and I hope that she does too :)
